I See You From the Inside Out

“You’re acting like a 2-year-old!”

Have you ever been told this sometime during your life? I have, but I don’t remember being told this as a child, rather as an adult. You see, there is a child in us all. A part of us longing for connection, someone to see us, hear our soul speak, feel safe enough to trust and open up so inward healing may happen.

Throughout my life I have went through a rollercoaster of emotions. From a very young age, I was told that I was a very sensitive person. I wasn’t sure if this was a good or bad thing at the time. Was it okay to be overly sensitive to noise and sounds, the tone and volume in which people spoke to me, in large crowds of people? (just to name a few things). I have struggled with self-image, confidence, sense of belonging, understanding my emotions, purpose, where I belong and so much more.

Understanding my emotional triggers has been a huge learning curve for me. My brain has been given 48 years to create neural pathways and make all sorts of connections. Changing what has taken a lifetime to create as my truth, will be no easy task. Forming new habits and mindsets takes time. 

There are tools that best served us as a child that aren’t so functional as an adult. I didn’t fully understand why, for so many years, I felt like a child trapped in an adult’s body. Really, I just thought I have a young soul, there was a youthfulness about me. 

If needs aren’t met from a very young age we go on through life with this sort of deficit, needing something more. Let’s use the relationship between a father and a daughter for an example. Speaking from personal experience, my dad and I weren’t close. As much as I needed my father to be present, speak in an appropriate tone, be open and approachable, role model and show how a man takes care of a woman, I feel this was lacking in my life. 

At the time, I wasn’t educated or knowledgeable enough to know or recognize the innermost workings of who he was. I know he did the best he could, never fully knowing the inner struggles he was going through. Needless to say, I didn’t connect with him nor did I bond in a way that was needed as a child and into young adulthood years. I was craving, starving, longing for attention, which I received in unhealthy ways. We butt heads. Didn’t get along. I was rebellious, asserting myself, learning about who I was. I didn’t feel respected most of the time. Love, was tough love. I took what was given. I yelled backed, I cursed, anything to get a reaction, trigger some sort of response. I guess that was one of my tools for getting his attention and wanting him to see and understand my independence, not needing micromanaging and being told what to do most often times. 

Being a teenager is such a difficult time, the body, mind and spirit going through many changes. Hormones, developing a sense of identity, and wondering where it is I belonged. I didn’t understand all the changes I was going through, and I don’t think he really understood either. What I do know is how his actions and words made me feel, which have been so challenging to shake off the shackles of words that can no longer be undone. At one point, I remember being told that I was “sick in the head.” I don’t remember my thoughts at that moment, but I do know those words resonated deeply, coming from my dad and took them to heart. I wondered if there really was something wrong with me, something I was too blinded to see in myself. If I really was sick, then I wouldn’t see as he sees. He’s older, wiser, would think he knew best. 

Never did I know how the relationship (or lack thereof) with my dad, would impact all the years of my life. How I viewed guys I dated and men in general. The sound of his voice, the tone, facial expressions, actions, emotional responses, EVERYTHING and I mean everything carried with me until this day. I learned what I didn’t like and didn’t want, never thinking or believing I was worthy of having and receiving God’s best. I settled for people who were well below my standards. (Don’t get me wrong, there were a few good guys that filtered in between). Quite honestly I just wanted someone to notice me, see me, be with me, complete me for I felt half empty rather than full of life. I was spiritually immature, not knowing God and His love, how He provides for and fills my every need. I didn’t know I didn’t need another person physically on this earth to complete me and make me feel loved.  

Having a peaceful heart is the greatest gift I could have ever hoped to have received throughout this whole process! Getting to this point in my life been a painful process, an eye-opener. Would you like to know why?  Because I needed to learn self-love! I needed to learn to accept myself fully for who I am (the good, the bad and ugly truths)! I needed to let go and let God! I needed Jesus! (Was I worthy enough?) Of course, I was! I just needed a little (well, that’s an understatement!) I needed a lot of encouragement, trust, faith and strength from my Heavenly Father for support in my spiritual progress. No longer could I go on living life without Him in it.

Through Him, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!      

With a new sense of self, identity in Christ, His compassion and wisdom, I have come to look at myself and other people through a new lens. What if, for just a moment, we pause and look at life through the lens of the other person in our lives. Go beyond ourselves and think about what may have caused them to react in such a way, a way other than how God loves us.

 Like a downpour of rain flooding our emotions, so is an immediate reaction to someone or something. Responding takes patience, time, mindfulness, ability to pause and have empathy, knowing there’s more pain within the other person. They too, need an outlet to let the hurt and pain of their past be released in a healthy way. Behavior is a form of communication trying to tell us something more beyond words that are spoken.

Not everybody is comfortable talking about or expressing their emotions. Each of us have our own coping mechanisms, survival skills, tools that have gotten us this far today. You and I, we are so much more than that! Once you find the courage and strength within (and yes, I know I really had to dig deep before realizing I have that in me), you will find a new freedom, a peaceful state of living. I go in and out of this stage for I know I am healing from old wounds. Until I am fully able to let go of, release and set free those things which have held me prisoner, a captive all these years, I will be missing out on the fullness and richness of life only God can provide for us all.

I have come to know my shortcomings, my faults, things that annoy and irritate me, triggers, pet peeves, anything with a negative connotation or vibe. This is not the way I want to live my life. 

I want emotional freedom! 

I want to be set free! 

I want to walk more as one with Christ and to do so, I’ve been pruning away those things which no longer serve a purpose in my life. 

Make way for a new sense of self. I am well on my way!

Understanding a person from the inside out takes patience and time. Not taking the words and actions of other people personally has definitely been one of the greatest challenges in my life. As hard as it has been to learn and understand, be mindful of and remember the following:

They too are hurting. 

They too have unaddressed pain.

 They too are very wounded souls just like you and me. 

Allow them time to speak. 

Allow their words to be heard. 

Be present. 

Listen. 

Accept this as their truth (not the way you see the situation as you haven’t walked in their shoes). 

Offer up compassion, a hug, gentle touch or smile. Be there. Reassure them they are safe and it’s okay to feel what they feel. 

Allow the emotion to flow. 

Allow the person time to process and heal.

Doing the hard work, trusting in the Lord to provide for and do what’s right, taking a step out in faith, is not easy (if you’re like me). What I do know is the hard work and effort put forth pays off, filling your heart and soul with more peace and joy knowing you are loving and serving God for His higher purpose.