Yesterday, I mourned the loss both of someone I did and did not know. I got lost. I was caught up in emotion. A part of me was grieving, mourning the loss of years gone by, lost opportunities, in a world where time passes by.
Emotions…big and so many of them. Anger, bitterness, resentment-so much hurt, so much pain. I love rocks, I really do. This time, the stone I cast and the ripples I created had the force and potential to cause a tidal wave. Yes, I was lost in a sea of emotion!
Mental exhaustion and fatigue have a way of catching up with a person. For many days now, I’ve been pushing myself to accomplish and do so many things. From to do lists at home, to the many things that need to be done at school. The work never seems to end.
But whose fault, is it? Who is it that is pushing me to achieve, to get things done rather than sit back and enjoy the moments in life?
I know I need to get better at learning how to relax, have down time and play. To be like that of a child. Well, isn’t it ironic when I am a teacher of 3–4-year-old children? I am reminded of this every day.
Overwhelmed and stressed…now let me just say that I hadn’t thought I felt this way. Evidently, there was much more suppressed inside me than I had originally thought or known. Everything inside needed an outlet, a release, a place to go. The pain being held inside me, past hurt, old wounds, and memories, they do remain. Pain eases over time, memory fades, but it never fully goes away.
I felt miserable, uncomfortable. This is not who God created me to be. I am better than this, I thought. I was spiraling. Around and around, I went like a whirlwind. I knew this big emotion would soon pass; I just didn’t know when.
When I finished going through things, purging, organizing, and cleaning up, I took a much-needed shower, prepared myself for bed and took time to really sit down and relax in the rocking chair. Even though it was getting late, I still needed my downtime before bed. My daughter and I, we watched “Impractical Jokers” together for a little while.
As I sat in the rocking chair, I scrolled through social media and caught up on my emails too. One email got my attention. Last weekend, a young man was driving under the influence, intoxicated. While driving, he struck 3 other vehicles. The result was two injured and two dead. Yesterday’s email released the name of those who died. I hoped and prayed the names were not of someone I knew. I read the names and saw their ages…gone way too soon! So much life to be lived, a new beginning about to start for the couple as they were preparing to head off to college soon.
Even though I didn’t know those who died, my heart, deeply saddened by sudden and tragic events.
Earlier in the evening last night, I know my own behaviors were less than desirable. My life really wasn’t that awful. Here I was caught up in big emotions and a failure to see what was really happening around me.
Hold your loved ones close! You never know what the future holds or how your life may change.
I felt awful about my own behavior, less than acceptable. As I made my way to bed, I thought maybe looking at my email and social media was not the best thing before bed. My heart hurt, it ached. My heart cried a river through my eyes, letting go and releasing the pain (and there was a lot I was feeling).
In silence, I cried out to God profusely, wanting to be released from my sinful ways.
I’m sorry!
I’m sorry!
I’m sorry!
I’m sorry!
I’m so sorry!
I was really hurting!
I called out to God in all misery, pain, and suffering (which I brought upon myself).
God, this is no who I am! I am so sorry for the way I behaved!
I was angry and bitter, feeling unappreciated and not of importance or value. I allowed those thoughts to eat away at me until it became too heavy, and I couldn’t carry it anymore. It’s yours, please help me, take it for I know this weight is not mine alone to carry.
The enemy has perfected all his ways, tactics and lies. He knows how to get into my thoughts and my head, during times of weakness and vulnerability.
I was so deeply saddened and devastated about the loss of two young and beautiful lives! So much potential. Each having gifts from God. They were light, love, and peace to those around them. The part that saddens me most is how their lives ended and those who must walk each day with the shock and trauma of that night’s events. Crazy how 2 other vehicles were hit along the way, they survived. When their car was hit, it was pushed into a tree. Upon impact, the car caught fire.
This story has a sad ending. Over time, I hope there is healing, perhaps a silver lining can be found. On social media, they are sharing stories about the good times and memories and the lasting impact they’ve made on the lives of many people.
Sorry, so sorry for their family and friends.
God knows the depth of my love, unconditional love, and human compassion. I poured out my heart and soul, had given God everything I had last night. Through my thoughts and simple prayer, I know God was with me, He was there. He knew I needed a release. He gave me a reason to see. I was blinded, living with some distortion and a fog brain. He helped me to see life more clearly, removing the clouds from my vision.
I know I can’t go back in time.
I know I can’t change circumstances either.
Looking back and reflecting on this experience, this mini turbulent storm, God reminded me how much I am loved, on my darkest days and through valleys. My heart is oh so very good! I care so much about other people. I am sensitive. I am an empath. I do feel. God is in me, and I am in Him. We are as one as we travel along each day!
He called to mind I need to spend more time with Him, then these blown out of proportion emotions would be minimized. I know I need to give everything up to Him and trust the process and in His ways.
I hadn’t taken much time to sit and silence myself, to quiet the noise and the chatter in my mind. Yesterday’s events were a good reminder of the importance to taking more time with Him in a peaceful place to feel his presence, His love and know there is no need to worry or fear.
I took shelter and comfort in Him for I knew He heard my heart and my cries.
No longer a lost sheep, a part of His flock I will always be.
As I close for the night, these are the final words that entered my mind, as I showered and settled in for the night:
Let me humble myself before you May I be forever grateful For every breath given unto me May I also be forever grateful For those moments which have taken my breath away
Magnificent Meraki 