Is it just me this past week or so, or have you also been hit by a hurricane, in the eye of the storm? Yes, Hurricane Ian hit Florida and is moving along the southeastern coast of the United States. Ever before Hurricane Ian hit, a storm was brewing within me, causing a great disturbance and was ready to blow. Little did I know how great the force within me was.
Many things have been going on in my life over recent days, weeks, months, even years. I spiral. I cycle. I make great gains. I lose ground. I learn. I grow. I discover. God reveals. His wisdom. His presence. His timing in all things.
The storm within was a force to be reckoned with. One knew something was coming, you could feel a change in the air, energy shifted, frequencies changing. As much as you try to brace yourself for the incoming storm, you can never be prepared enough for getting through, and witnessing the destruction and aftermath.
For me, my internal storm and struggles have become very real. Seems I have been holding on far too long, pushing through, being tough, remaining strong. For whom do I do these things? It’s not in the best interest of my overall health. I need to keep moving forward. Keep showing up. Keep being the best version of myself. Keep myself in check. Keep doing all I need to be doing in both my personal and professional life.
When you stay strong for too long (whether you realize you have been doing this or not), this will all catch up with you some day. This may sneak up on you, small changes, life altering little by little each day. So subtle, that you may not even notice, and just brush it off as nothing. Then one day, it happens!
What is it, you might ask. It’s your mother. It’s your father. It’s your siblings. It’s you as a child. It’s the generations before you. It’s someone who physically, psychologically or mentally hurt you, was cruel or mean. It was that lost opportunity. It was that moment of shame. It was that time of loss. It was those moments of pain. Disgust. Anguish. Guilt. Shame. Regret. Anger. Condemnation. Blame. Unforgiveness. Unresolved trauma.
It all adds up. Ughhh! Gross! So much ugliness exists…I’m so sorry! How little did I know just how much was bottled up inside me ready to explode!
I tried; I really did try. My inner child cried out, wanting to be heard. Wanting to be satisfied. Wanting to be comforted. Wanting reassurance. Wanting and desiring to have a void in her life be filled, something that wasn’t satisfied during her own childhood experiences.
Unfortunately, our loved ones absorb the blunt force of our own storms. We lash out in anger (some call it rage). I was wanting and expecting a desired outcome. If I didn’t achieve that, I needed to become more extreme to gain more attention. A part of me didn’t feel heard (even though I knew I was).
I do believe I have been holding onto old thought processes and memories which no longer serves a functional purpose at this stage of my life. My childhood self-cried out. She wants so much to be released, have freedom and step aside to make way for my present-day self and become all who she has been created to be.
Until I can provide my younger self with unconditional love and much needed forgiveness, she will remain trapped inside me. When you love someone, you set them free, right? Why, then, is it so hard to love myself fully? How can I expect other people to love me and treat me the way I want and need to be treated when I still struggle with self-love and forgiving myself?
I know how much God loves me, how much He wants me to follow Him. I’ve been His lost sheep many times (I am grateful He doesn’t keep score or keep tally marks). Every time, He guides me, welcomes me back as I join His flock. On my darkest of days and incredible trials, I know this is a test and will I turn to and trust Him.
Our days are getting shorter as summertime has made way for autumn. Snow-capped mountains are our backdrop, with foreground layers of many shades of exquisite color. The amount of sunlight gets less and less each day. We continue to have limited blue skies and sunshine, and much rain along the way. The changing of the seasons. The changes in my life. Over time, created the perfect conditions, the perfect storm, which came to a full head (not to anyone’s delight).
When you combine stress factors over time (things which haven’t been expressed or released), past trauma, pain, unforgiveness, seasonal changes, biological, hormonal and physiological changes, in due time the ugliness and monster within eventually gets released.
Since my release of emotions from earlier in the week, I wasn’t sure how best to describe what I was going through and keep it as peaceful and hopeful as can be. I wanted to speak to you with all my emotions, deep from within my heart and soul. There would have been a lot of emotions, working through the emotional state of my brain. At the same time, my heart was hurting, still yearning for something more. To have peace. To have silence. To put to rest. With my past. With my consequences. To not worry what others may be thinking. To not read into things. To not analyze. To fully accept. To love. To forgive. Just. Be. Me. Period.
I cried, and I cried, and I cried some more. I have felt like an emotional wreck this week, yet I tell myself I need to get it together. I know I can’t rush healing. I know love is what we are here to do. To love ourselves. To love other people. To be for someone else the person we needed when we ourselves are hurting. Causing and inflicting pain on other people serves us no purpose. Hurt people continue to hurt other people. It’s not a personal attack. It’s not intentional. It’s a part of who we are and what we have experienced in our lives.
When I spoke from my pit of pain, I didn’t mean the things I was saying. A very young and scared child was crying out. More than anything, I needed my spouse to be my shelter, my calm amidst the storm.
Given the intensity of the storm, I am grateful for his ability to still love and know the anger I expressed was something more than what I had become frustrated over at that moment. At one point, he even asked me if this was about him or from when I was a kid. He could see through to my heart. My behavior was telling him something more. He gets it. He knows. My inner child was crying out from my adult self.
I know God used this difficult moment in our lives for good. I cried out so much to God. I became more compassionate, loving, kind, started seeing things more deeply and taking situations and circumstances more seriously. Life is too short to live with pain from the past. I am still working on letting go. One day, I will get there. One day, no longer will those events be the cause and triggers of pain in my present moment. One day, I will fall deeply in love with myself. I will love and see others as Christ does.
Before I close, I would like to share a couple more things I experienced today.
In communication with someone (via phone messages), I was reminded of how the generations before us, impact our present, everyday life and living. The way I was raised, the beliefs held, the mindsets and reactions they had were all a response to the way they were raised, what they experienced, and those things which were passed down to them in their cells and DNA.
Generational trauma-I really do believe this exists. Becoming who I am, my own person, discovering my identity. I have been influenced and impacted by everything since before I was born. I am a part of the generations before me and my parents, yet I need to be mindful and remind myself I am me and not them.
I am doing what I can to break free from the chains, break the cycle and be set free. Even though I am not quite there yet, I am many steps closer than I ever thought I would be.
My evening ended by going to yoga with my husband and one of our daughters. We participated in a Yoga Nidra class. This was our first time attending this one with an instructor who was teaching it for the first time. Her voice was so peaceful and calming, a very relaxing state, so natural and easy to listen to. I was very pleased with this experience. What a perfect way to end the week and evening, settling in to the weekend enjoyment, family and down time.
Magnificent Meraki 