A few nights ago I did some reflecting on my career of nearly 15 years as a preschool special education teacher. At the end of school year, I will be able to count on one hand the years I have left until retirement. Whoa! I need to pause for a moment to take that thought in. My children were young when I graduated from college and began my teaching career. I think of the journey that got me from day one of evening classes at the university to where I am now.
There are days and moments where I feel like my get up and go has gotten up and left me. I feel like I don’t have the umph, motivation, energy, pizazz as I once had. I am trying to understand the reasoning for this, which could be one of many things, or maybe something I hadn’t ever that about or considered that’s changing me (in me) this day.
I have given thought to my age, for I will turn 50 next month. Another milestone in my life. Mid-life has come, has it brought something more? Has time changed the way I think and go about life, going from running on high octane, go, go, go, to a lower grade fuel that will get me by just fine? What reason do I have to expand so much more energy into my work, giving until my own tank runs empty? Giving, keep giving of myself so others may benefit and have a better quality of life.
Are there other reasons impacting the way I’ve been feeling? How about recent years I (and those in the education field), have had to push through. A new way of learning. A new way of teaching. A new normal in our everyday lives. Are there remnants, memories, feelings, and emotions still held up inside me? Have I not fully healed, recovered from, and moved forward or does this dis-ease still linger within?
Please don’t take this the wrong way when I say this, for I don’t want to rush time, but I look forward to the days when I can return once again, having the freedom and no longer having to plan life around the school calendar and scheduling. I feel like so many sacrifices needed to be made to get to this point in my life, to be able to impact lives of many children and adults, as well as provide a means for supporting my family.
Life, oh how beautiful, precious and moments of bittersweet. We take what we are given and make the most of each moment of every day. (Please note, I am really working on this, trying to get out of old mindsets and beliefs to increase my own happiness and quality of life. By no means have I mastered this but needed to be reminded of.)
Even though parts of me seemed to have slowed down over time, there is one thing that remains. A deep and unconditional love, human compassion is a treasure that lay within me. I keep going because I know the impact my presence makes on young children. There are days when I am completely exhausted, have the worst case of fog brain after teaching. Other times, I am rewarded in ways only young children can do, having ways about them that make me laugh and smile.
So now I wonder if my slowing down is really a slowdown of performance and functioning or was this an opportunity to be more present, and see? As I sit (or run around the room keep up with some others), either way I am in their presence, getting to know who they are through observations, actions, and behaviors.
The most important thing I learned is not to take the actions and behaviors personally. What they do is not an indicator of who I am, but rather their own battles and conflicts going on inside, not knowing how to articulate, what to do with it or self-regulate. I am a much more peaceful person, seeing the good and noticing areas which need support and to work on.
In my years of teaching, I’ve learned so much about myself. There is a role reversal, if you will, where I have become the student, and my students have become my teachers. Maybe I’ve taken a backseat and allowed my students to drive. I follow their lead. I see their gifts, their potential, abilities and be all who they were created to be. These kids, my students, will go out into the world confidently, independently, conquering and overcoming their fears, rising to new levels going higher and well beyond anything they ever imaged or dreamed!
This love, this vision of what life can be, brings me joy, peace, and great love from within, knowing I’ve had the opportunity to impact, leave a lasting impression, something positive to look forward to each day.
Magnificent Meraki 