I’ve been neglecting taking the time to write and reflect upon life and those things which have been called upon to my heart and mind. I know it’s healthy for me in so many ways to sit down and write, getting things out of my head. To clear my mind as best I can, is a nice release. Some days, some moments, the words come, and they flow. Other times, not so much, I really do struggle. Today, I need to make more of an effort to be present, take time to sit and write, thinking about my days and what I have been through.
Soon, the hour will be midnight. Right now, on the eve of January 19th, 2023. 49 is my age today. Tomorrow, a new day, and age. How golden this will be! Age 50, wow! How did I get here? What have I done with my life? Where did the time go? Have I made the most of my days? What can I improve upon? Where is it God is leading me? How can I best serve Him? What does living my authentic life look like?
Turning 50 after being 49, there really is no difference. It is a number, nothing which determines whether I am old or young. It’s all about your own mindset and how you look at and perceive life at that stage. I look at it as achieving a milestone, the next stage in my life. An opportunity to embrace and move forward, letting go of the old, making way for the new life and energy in the days, weeks, months, and years to come. How can I start creating a new chapter in my life when I keep going back and replaying the story line (which changes slightly every time I retell it in my head). Wanting so much to let go of and die to the old version of myself, yet the old self fears death not knowing what the future holds and what is to come.
So much about me has changed over the years, but I am pretty sure one thing has stayed the same. My heart is filled with great love. I know I have a kind heart and soul.
Sometimes I forget about that when I fixate on memories about moments when my words and or actions have caused some sort of hurt, pain or trauma of sorts. Never was that my intent, for I have learned hurt people, hurt other people. If you are not aware of that, you will not understand why you do and say the things you do. Other people may take those things in which you say and do personally, not realizing you have unresolved trauma, generational trauma.
What you are really in need of is someone to be present, hear your story, allow space and time to work things out. You will need lots of love, unconditional love, forgiveness, and God’s grace.
In time life begins to change, as you learn to look at the world from a new lens. You will notice yourself becoming more grateful for things big and small, having a positive attitude will seem more natural, being practiced every day. Life can change in an instant, but sometimes that’s what it takes to wake us spiritually and see what matters most in life.
I had to laugh for a moment when I thought about an expression commonly used when a person is at an age ending in a 9 (i.e., 29, 39, 49, 59, etc.). You may have heard people say, “49 and holding.” Now what exactly does that mean? Does the person want to hold onto the mindset of their youth? Have they not yet accepted the change in their age, and they are fighting believing it in their own mind?
If you ask me, I prefer not holding onto more than I must at this day and age. My mind peaks at mental capacity quick some days. Not to mention my heart, the cells in my body have clung on to far too many things for far too long, which have taken it’s toll on my body, mind and spirit.
Unlearning things, unhealthy cycles and patterns of behaviors takes a lot of time and practice. Maybe it comes easier for some then others. Let me tell you this is something I’ve been working on for a while now. Pretty sure I have a bit to go as there are many layers of healing needing attention. Laying down burdens, leaning fully into Him and trusting His plan and ways, is the path to experiencing a peaceful presence.
I’ve held onto so many disgusting attributes, those which didn’t show love or respect to my body or to God, things like guilt, shame, condemnation, lack of forgiveness. God is the purest form of love. His spirit lives in me and I failed to see He has literally been with me ALL my life. I felt ignorant. I felt shame. I am and can do better than that. So you see how set patterns since very early in life can impact you well into adulthood until you start seeing your life through a new lens and perspective?
So, does your age really matter in the bigger picture? I feel like and see myself as being younger than what my age says I am. Yes, I was born in 1973. Yes, I will be 50. My heart and soul speak differently, in a language, in ways not told in numbers or years. It’s becoming one filled with more love and gratitude, one I am proud to speak of.
God has provided me with great gifts throughout my life. He has allowed me to taste the good life and experience His peaceful presence. It is those still and tender moments when great love is felt, and everything in the world is beautiful, not a worry in the world is to be felt.
As I continue to grow in faith and love with Him, I look forward to 50, a new beginning and so many things! I have so much to be thankful for! The events that have gotten me here this day. He continues to shape, sculpt, mold and paint me in ways that highlight the essence of who I am, a child of the most high God!
During my 40’s-I’ve lived, I’ve learned, I’ve loved so much. Been in too deep and yet not deep enough. I’ve battled, I’ve fought. Won the war and lost. Been there, done that and missed out.
People in my life, they have come, they have gone. Some have moved on in life, moved away, or passed on into a new life. I’ve made new friends and had additions of new family members too. I’ve added the role of being a mother-in-law and a grandma too.
Professionally speaking, another 10 years of teaching as a preschool special education teacher and had the opportunity to teach as an adjunct professor at a local university for a year too.
Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually I have grown more each day. I’ve had setbacks, plot twists, different chapters, many features. From a love story to drama and comedy (to name a few), you never know the story you will be writing, but some day, your story will come true. God will bring you through whatever it is you are facing and going through today. He is the author, and we are playing our part, doing our best to trust in and follow His lead.
To guide me on my journey, I reached out for mental health support by means of meeting with a counselor and then a life coach. I was lost, found, then spiraled around, trying to make sense of and understand what it was I went through. I learned God uses my pain for good and that nothing is ever wasted (sigh…what a relief that was once I was through the worst and understood and appreciated this at a deeper level). My story will help heal, help others to not feel alone and isolated.
I succumbed to the darkest place in my life at being only 45, a place where I thought light no longer existed, nor was there any possible way I would make it through that difficult time. Identity crisis. I didn’t know who I had become. I didn’t know if I mattered. I didn’t know if other people cared. I felt like I was under a microscope where the world had the ability to always see right through me.
As I walked alone (or so I thought), it was God who met me there in my darkest, weakest, most vulnerable moment. From then on, a very faint light began to flicker within me. I started to wake up and come to life. I was in a depressed state of mind and being, one of being so numb that no longer did my facial muscles have the strength or ability to smile. No fun, let me just say that. The only way out was through. I knew something had to change and God was the one to do just that. He penetrated my heart, nearly solidified like a rock, breaking it apart allowing His light to shine through. I guess you could say He broke my heart (in a good way). How else was He going to make His presence known for me to feel Him and see Him had He not done what He had did at that moment?
From that moment on, I made more time and space for God. I have given all glory and praise to Him knowing it is Him, who turned my life around and helped me to see how very loved I am by Him! I was created in His image for a specific purpose at a time like this. I play an important part in His creation, and I will continue do the best I can with the gifts I have been given to share with the world.
I look forward to the opportunities and experiences 50 will bring. As I continue to grow in faith, learn important lessons and become more spiritually mature, God will bring forth to light things in my life needing more attention. He has equipped and prepared me for every step, every stage of my life. January 19, 2023, here I come! This day marks the 50th anniversary since my birth, the day I was welcomed to the world. Let us rejoice and be glad for the gift and breath of life!!
Magnificent Meraki 