Today I had my end of year conference with our school principal. I was eager, yet nervous (I really didn’t know why), anticipation and waiting I suppose and the unknown of what I would hear.
At the time of my observation, we had just got students started with an end of day snack. One student was having a total melt down and another one experiencing a big emotion. Things weren’t awful. For sure, they could have been a lot worse, more chaotic, and seemingly out of control. We never know from one moment to the next as classroom dynamics and energy is always changing.
I was welcomed into her office and offered a seat to sit down while she got things situated. She logged into her computer in preparation of sharing thoughts and notes from her observation and the ratings I would receive for my evaluation. The spinning wheel of patience. Yes, it happens to us all! In that moment, she set the laptop aside and proceeded to shed her light on me telling me all about the good things she’s noticed, everything positive with an encouraging tone.
In all areas I received “Proficient” except for one. For a moment, my heart sank. Doubt, guilt, negativity set in creating darkness in my mind. I knew better than to believe that, but still, I allowed it some space rather than dismissing it. As I listened to her voice and watched her body language, there’s no way I needed to be fearful of or dread the worst or bad news.
What was I worrying about? What was it I feared? How had I come to this point in my life to anticipate hearing the negative rather than the good? Had I become conditioned with behavior and way of thinking, so much so that it had become a normal response? Pretty sure it has!
Being proficient is good, that’s typically what many educators receive for doing their job and what needs to be done. I’m good with that, keeping on track. Not only did I receive proficient, but I received “Exemplary” in one area too! For me, that is a win!! Upon receiving this news, it became a beautiful sound to my ears, touched my heart deeply and became one of the greatest gifts given!
With a smile on her face and words spoken with such appreciation, heartfelt and filled with gratitude, this eased my mind and settled my soul, letting me know who I am and what I do is enough and that I matter! Never have I have received this rating in my years of teaching, wow! What I can best compare it to when looking through this experience through the lens of children is this. You know when you do an excellent job on a classroom assignment, and you’re given this gold star sticker (or another highly preferred, cool sticker) with a note that says, “Great Job”? Yeah, well, that’s kind of how I feel. It was confirmed with me that she sees me. She sees my team, my students, the hard work, and effort we put into being educators, not to mention being human beings and doing the best we can.
When you’ve had difficult circumstances in the past, where people only look for anything and/or everything that’s going wrong or reason to point out, blame and shame, that’s all they will ever see. Self-worth goes down the drain, being belittled, spoken down to, and asking yourself why you’re even doing this in the first place. You can say during those times, if I were looking at it through the lens of a child and I saw all those red pen marks on my paper, making note of all the errors and mistakes, it really is discouraging when you never or rarely hear or be given feedback of all your strengths and areas you do good in.
You have no idea (well, maybe you do), of how relieved I was to hear that I received Exemplary in one area! This has been something I thought was out of reach, that I would never be worthy of receiving it. Given the right timing and circumstances, with the heart and eyes of Jesus, she felt it, she knew what my team and I have been through. We’ve made the best of our circumstances and have seen the good in it all.
So, what is it that she saw worthy of being “Exemplary” in one area? Flexibility. Yep! You heard me right! For so long, I feel as if that’s been a part of my motto, philosophy, maybe even part of my name.
The year before I transferred to my new school, was not a normal year. We were just coming off COVID and distance learning and a modified schedule of student in person learning. My teaching partner and I worked together in the same classroom. I was without a teaching assistant, and it took a long time (nearly spring break-in March), until someone was hired. That whole process is another story, so I will just let it be.
At the end of that year, I found out I was moving into the classroom next to her for the upcoming year (which would have been this year). We moved everything out of my classroom into the new one during the last day of school. My teaching partner and I, we worked summer school The last week of summer school (which was approximately 2 weeks before the regular school year was to start), we were told the school we were at was now closed and we would be transferring to a new school (where I am currently at this year and reflecting about). Packed, unpacked, packed up again and unpacked. Yes, it was a lot, but we persevered and made it through, giving the best we could (and still can), for our students and ourselves.
As a result, I feel noticed, seen, respected, appreciated, acknowledged, loved and so much more! What a gift I was given during my end of year conference for my evaluation! I am humbled! Believe me, I had a natural high after meeting with her! It’s like my whole physiology changed and was more at peace hearing what she had to say and the things she has observed and noticed throughout the year.
Everything is going well! I think I still have some work to do with my own mindset and thought patterns to think more positive and encouraging thoughts and outcomes, rather than fearing about hearing negative things. I don’t know about you, but when someone is praising me for a job well done, when I can feel it and believe it with my whole heart, they are genuine and really care, I am more likely to rise and do even better, to achieve higher and greater things!!
God has used the pain from my past for a purpose. He has helped me to see and believe in the good life after difficulties and challenging things. I thank God for the blessings in my life, for people who see beyond the physical and have come to know each other’s heart, spirit, and passion.
He has helped me to believe there is still good, there is hope in this world that not all look to see and focus on every little mistake, but there are those who look beyond what they could complain about and choose to speak encouraging words and everything that is going well.
Magnificent Meraki 