Today marks the 1st day of my 16th year teaching and the 2nd year at my new school. Recent years have been a whirlwind for so many reasons. There certainly have been many crazies and plot twists during this time which have forced me out of my comfort zone, learned how to persevere, built resilience and helped me to see many facets of my life through a new lens. I’ve grown through these challenges, rising up (even though I felt overwhelmed at times and drowning). I am older, wiser, yet I am far, far away from any sort of perfection, but I am human and I accept that fact. This is who I am meant to be.
In anticipation of going back to school, I’ve been going through so many mixed emotions. Knowing summer is ending (and by the way…just where did it go so fast!!!!) I want more time! I didn’t want to rush to get things done around home before school started, but I did! I wanted to enjoy everything to the fullest (I tried, I really did). Crunch time! I knew with the start of the school year, I would be limited on things I could do and get done during the day. Needless to say, my adrenals were running on overdrive, pushing my limits and getting everything done I possibly could while my engines were running high, and I was able to accomplish many things.
CRASH!
Yep, I knew it would be coming, I just didn’t realize how hard it would hit me!
Body, mind, soul, I felt so depleted, slipped into nothingness. A veil of darkness came over my mind and my thoughts. What an icky and uncomfortable place to be. I felt I needed to be there for a while, to feel, to experience to know and express to others the hurt and pain I was feeling inside of me. This was all combined with having my menstrual cycle too. Seems like this combination makes me more assertive in speaking out and speaking up for myself, advocating for and being a voice. My heart and soul cried out to be heard. Not shouting out as being a victim of circumstances, rather this is me, this is who I am, I want you to know this is where my hurt and pain is coming from (my perspective and why I view the world the way I do), in hopes of healing, releasing and letting go. I just needed to be heard and validated.
More than anything, I want to let go of the past. But you know what, it’s hard, it really is for me! There are certain things that keep cycling, circling round and around that I get triggered by. I want to stay in peace and not let it bother me (more than you can imagine), and when I can’t or haven’t done that, I know there are parts inside me that need attention, love, forgiveness and healing.
Life is a culmination of so many things, a delicate balancing act. As much as I strive for perfection (meaning that I am becoming the best version of myself that I can possibly be), I will never be perfect in this life and that’s okay with me! God sees me, He hears me, and I know He knows how hard I am trying. He sees the good in me (when I become temporarily blinded and misguided by the works of the enemy.) He finds a way to bring me back, reminding me there is hope and to stay in peace.
This morning, today, I have a choice (just like every moment of every day) of what to do. I don’t need to be heavily burdened and weighted down by the past. It needs to be put to rest. I want that chapter (or I guess you could say chapters) to close. A new chapter is beginning, a new version of myself wanting to emerge.
May this day and each day forward, bring courage and strength to come into being, the very best version of yourself you can be. To love and serve, change lives for the better and make the greatest impact on the world you can possibly do. I wish you all well in all that you do. Wherever you are in your life, know that like a seed, the winds will carry and plant you wherever you need to be.
Enjoy your day and God Bless!!
Magnificent Meraki 