As I asserted myself and let the voice of my heart be heard, I had the best of intentions of bringing awareness to the situation. For who knows how many years, I’ve been trying to express what it is I am feeling inside to help someone else “see” differently. I know I can’t change anything about anyone else.
The, never give up or stop trying voice inside of me, kept pushing, being persistent for maybe they will get it or understand some day.
You know what all this resulted in?
Exhaustion!
I exhausted myself by having to repeat the same thing over again repeatedly without getting anywhere. Left with frustration, mental exhaustion from trying so hard, I gave up and the battle was done. At that point, I raised my hands up in the air and said I give up! I don’t know what else I can say or do to get them to “get me” and understand the deeper meaning, message and intent behind the topic of discussion and what I was trying to express.
I couldn’t think straight, my words no longer did flow. It wasn’t an argument, rather a conversation that become a bit uncomfortable and not everyone is comfortable with getting uncomfortable in situations or being around people expressing emotions.
The only way to heal is to provide space for the words and emotions someone is trying to express. Not everyone knows, understands, or appreciates what it takes to be an empathic listener, to refrain from speaking and respect what it is the other person is experiencing, their reality at any given moment in time.
What I learned that day is that battle has never been mine to fight. It is for God to fight the valiant fight, carry my burdens and weight that comes with it. I was so emotionally, mentally, and psychologically drained, felt blah, situational depression kicking in. I felt I lost the battle, was overcome, and didn’t experience the fullness of life. I lost my peace. I lost my joy. I lost my zest for life. Temporary, it was all temporary and God has brought me through.
Even though I feel as if I was defeated, met by a brick wall that wasn’t about to be torn down anytime soon, there was more to this experience, an important life lesson indeed. God’s timing. It is He who will open their eyes, when they are open, ready, and receptive to receiving.
I’ve been trying hard, pushing, doing what I can in my own power to make thigs happen, but I am not God. I am His beloved child. I am trying to do my best to love and serve, help others out because I really do care deeply about other people and have the best of intentions in circumstances.
That day, I waved my white flag (as the saying goes).
I surrender!!
I give up!
I don’t know what else I can do!
I’ve tried repeatedly over the years given different circumstances and I’ve achieved the same responses and results.
What good is it to exhaust my energy and resources and energy on this I have no control over? That’s what made it more obvious that God was reminding me the importance of giving my worries, my burdens, up to Him.
With that, I was finding more peace and comfort and knowing He has already won the battle. Why was I still fighting a losing battle? I have been waiting and hoping that one day, maybe just maybe, one day, a miracle would happen, for the other person to crack just a little bit, start dying to their old self, embrace and welcome the new.
“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” (James 4:7 ESV)
Magnificent Meraki 