It All Started With the Kombucha

This day I arrived with a grateful heart, being thankful for so many things-my family, friends, home, food, job, good health, loving and forgiving God that offers us grace. 

One of our local stores was open. I needed to pick up a few things. I asked my spouse if he needed me to get anything since I was making the drive over there. He reminded me about picking up a large bottle of kombucha, so I added that to my list, which included items for Secret Santa gifts and some desert to have with our turkey dinner.

My shopping experience lasted an hour, much longer than I had anticipated walking around and seeing what they had. I do need to add this store has been completely rearranging everything, so I probably looked like I was a bit dazed and confused staring at the aisle signs and looking down each aisle to see what was available and where. I guess I stopped and must have had a blank stare for a store worker asked if I needed help finding anything, LoL!

With much excitement, there were 3 large bottles of kombucha in the chilled section on the shelf. The shelf was empty for a while, so I was so delighted to see a few in stock. I know he only asked for one, but I got all 3 knowing this would last us a bit longer. Besides, it was on sale anyway, so it was a better deal. 

I proceeded to the checkout with a few good finds, the kombucha, ice cream on sale with coupons too, Secret Santa gifts, something for my granddaughter and a cap for me that says, “Gratitude Vibes Only.” The tone had been set. I was ready to go. Back to the house I went.

My heart was filled with great love, words of joy flowed through my soul. The bag I brought in the house first was the one with the bottles of kombucha. I could hardly wait to give it to my spouse and spread the love and cheer. With a spring in my step and some silly words flowed from my mouth, I could hardly wait for his response. I waited in anticipation. I set them down on the counter. He opened the bag and looked inside.

(Deep sigh……..) You got three. I said I only wanted one.

I felt the disappointment.

I felt like I let him down.

I felt this worthlessness inside

I wanted him to share in my excitement.

My heart hurt so terribly. 

Crushed.

The livelihood and spirit went away.

Feeling almost paralyzed by the pain.

I care so much.

I wanted to surprise.

I walked away in silence.

I didn’t respond to questions being asked of me.

I became withdrawn.

I entered the darkness of my mind.

Sadness

My inner child cried out once again. 

I thought, what do I have to do for you to be heard? 

Tears flowed

All it took was a deep sigh…

I know this may sound crazy but stay with me on this one. If you are empathic, maybe even experienced traumatic things, feel things deeply, I am pretty sure you can relate to and understand. 

When I heard the sigh, it triggered an emotion. There was something much deeper to be told. In my own heart and soul, something resonated, vibrated so deeply needing to be expressed. I needed those tears to flow. I needed the pain carried in my cells to be released. 

Usually, I have time and space to myself, especially when feeling big and deep emotions, with mood swings and changes. I can understand why one may not want to be around that energy (which can be overwhelming, powerful, or intense). Withdrawal and silence, not the most fabulous place to be. Pretty sure this must be one of my coping mechanisms and survival skills that got me to this day. 

In the moment, I was completely overwhelmed, overcome with emotions. There was a great disturbance in the force for sure as my spirit had been shaken or maybe woken up. Had something lay dormant inside, an old childhood memory I had no recollection of something I wasn’t aware of even existed? Whatever it was needed attention, needed to be respected, needed to be heard, needed to be released, find freedom, and heal.

Much to my surprise, my spouse followed me upstairs almost immediately. He wrapped his arms around me, held me close as I cried. He tells me to let it go, not to let that little stuff bother me (I said it know…but it still does). I reminded him of how much I care deeply, giving from my heart. He knows how deeply I care, how much I put my heart into so many things. Reaching out and doing acts of kindness, bringing joy, happiness and smiles makes my heart sing. I give because I want to. I give because I can. This is who I am and what I love!

 It’s my internal struggle. I am battling things out with former versions of myself. Old mindsets, old beliefs, old habits, so many things exist within me to this day.  God is bringing awareness to me in this season of my life. This is who I am, at precisely this very moment in time. I am learning how to learn and understand who it is He says I am.

One moment, one day at a time. I am digging deeper, discovering, finding what I am passionate about as I express my deepest feelings. You know that saying that something like-You must first feel it to heal from it-gosh, this is so true! I have a greater awareness and understanding of the importance of feeling the emotion. Mine have been trapped for far too long, suppressed, rather than expressed. There is great freedom when you release the weight of your past, the emotions and memories associated with them. 

It’s also important to be there for someone, be present, listen, let them speak their truth. Even if their truth goes against what you believe or remember about the situation, that is where they are in their mind, what they are processing and going through. 

I speak from experience; this is me and my life. When or if someone just brushes it off like it’s nothing, like it’s not a big deal, move on, forget about it, I don’t know why it bothers you-is hurtful. Even though they have the best of intentions, it’s not necessarily the best approach, well for me anyway. 

Meet them, wherever they are at. Allow them time and space to say and express what needs to be said, whether they come in the form of tears and frustration or words that carry through. It’s not you. It’s not personal. This is life. We all are learning about one another. How to love, how to respect, how to present, understanding the purpose and reason behind one another’s behaviors. 

As we look inward and into the eyes and hearts with other people, we develop a deeper sense of appreciation, understanding, human compassion and unconditional love. For many years now, I’ve battled the thoughts and lies that took residency in my own mind. I was confused about who I was. I was lost in the sea of life. The story I kept playing repeatedly in my own mind was one of untruth.

God found a way into my heart. He has a way of changing circumstances in life to bring focus into what matters most. It’s uncomfortable, stressful, creates anxiousness and uncertainty (to name a few things). He sees our hearts and knows exactly what is needed to prepare us for the next trial and season He is about to bring us through. 

You know what I seen more often now? I see more than the outward appearance, the flesh of every human being. Eyes, yes, they tell a story. Look deep within and you will see so much more, beautiful hearts, loving spirit, one of which wants to be seen, heard, and appreciated. 

I know we may never fully know one another’s story, yet I am grateful for the parts and pieces which have been shared with me. God is growing something beautiful, in you and in me. My season seems to have a bit more darkness, more reason to be the light for whoever I can today.