Strugglebus

Have you ever felt like you were going places, yet not really going anywhere at all? Life can get so complex and seemingly complicated that we need a navigational system to help us find our way through.

May has arrived. The school year is almost over. With that said, there have been many things on my mind. I’ve traveled near and far within the depths of my mind, not accomplishing as much as I would like to. I think about things that I need to do, get done, make note of, be places and other things. 

With so many things swirling around in my mind, focusing on one thing, getting it done and moving on has been a real challenge. When I experience moments like this, I feel less productive, almost overwhelmed, knowing I need to start doing something, then end up not getting much done other than thinking about it. 

Seems like I am at sloth or turtle speed with the lack of motivation, drive and energy to get things done. I know I can do better, but perhaps it’s a message to slow down, not to worry, everything will be taken care and fall perfectly into place.

For as long as I remember, I’ve been one to move and push forward, getting as much done as a can in advance to alleviate some of the workload for later. Over time, one thing I have learned, is that it doesn’t matter how much I push and get done in a day. There is always something else just waiting for me, getting my attention and making note of so I don’t forget by putting on a to do list.

Every day, I’ve been thinking about writing and reflecting on many things, thoughts, feelings, and emotions I have been going through in many aspects of my life, including mid-life and my body changing with hormonal fluxuations, interests and hobbies I wish to pursue (but need to make time each day to work on, and learn more about), preparing myself and packing up my classroom materials in preparation to move to a new school in the fall and starting over again with an all new staff. I’ve had so many things going on in my life. 

A lot of what I have been experiencing is the mental weight and heaviness of it all. There are many things needing to be done, taken care of, and tended to. I am but one person. I know there is only so much I can get done each day. I know I need to extend more grace and love unto myself knowing I am doing the best I can, given my circumstances and the person I am at this very moment in time. It’s more important to keep the light burning brightly from within rather than trying to burn the candle at both ends. 

Although I’ve had more difficulty focusing on tasks and finding the motivation to get started, gardening has kept my hands busy, and my mind actively engaged. It’s a good place to just zone out and be.  I keep preparing the seedlings for the upcoming transition when both the air and ground temps are warm enough for my many plants to sustain life and thrive in the place where they will be planted.

I know I don’t always need to stay busy. I know the importance of sitting quietly and letting everything be. I want to make sure I am as prepared as I possibly can for the season God is bringing me into. 

The more I take time to sit and reflect, write out whatever it is that is on my heart and on my mind, the more opportunities God has for speaking to me and through me. I need to provide for Him the time and space for Him to download onto me, all that it is He needs me to hear and be known at this moment. He has been wanting me to spend time with Him. Unfortunately, I have not done that nearly enough. 

There is so much room for growth and improvement. Opportunities to grow spiritually, become a better Christian, become more knowledgeable, loving, patient and kind, both to myself and other people. I am learning many valuable life lessons as I go. Even though I may not be refueling as often as I need to, God is still with me every step of the way, leading me to the place where it is He needs me to be, the places He needs me to go.