I’ve allowed myself to wallow in my own self-pity, feeling sorry for myself, experiencing deep sadness. I wanted so much for God to remove the darkness I was feeling and replace it with light. Then, I remembered I, too, have a job to do. An important responsibility. Get a grip on, get control of my emotions and thoughts.
Running wild and free. Yes, you might say they were enjoying the freedom of going wherever they chose to go, not to mention doing its best to ruin my day when I know I have so much to be grateful for and happy about.
I think you know as well as I, this experience has involved the deception of the enemy and his lies! During these past few days, I’ve been feeling the sadness coming on stronger each time. It was next to nothing at first, pretty manageable just experiencing sadness and allowing tears to flow at random times. That’s okay! I must have needed that release. Sadness is not a bad thing.
Today, my day kept spiraling. There were times (very briefly), I felt lighter, like the weight was trying to lift. Spiraling again and again, with little glimmers of hope, feeling the light within me. Pretty much everything had a serious tone, finding it difficult to take jokes or laugh at others jokes or attempts at humor.
Not the most fun to be around, I get it! I have my days, like anyone else. I am human and I need grace as others do. I need to be reminded of who I am and shake off all the fear, doubt, shame, anxiety, resentment, guilt, pretty much all negative thoughts trying to hijack my body, mind, and soul. I can do this on my own with the help of God, yet it sure feels good when someone notices and validates what you are going through, providing a reassurance knowing how loved and blessed you truly are!!
Once again, I have been faced with the fact, I need to let go and let God. Evidently, I am still holding onto many things, whether I have realized it or not. Time to release all my burdens, my heartaches, the past, all pain. Everything inside feels so icky, yucky! This is NOT who God created me to be nor is this the way He intends for me to live. He has called me for something much greater. I am better than this!
Getting unstuck from any sort of sadness or depression takes knowing oneself, trusting God and by having people in your life who find ways to help you get out of your funk. It takes courage, strength, and effort, from having fallen asleep, pushing through the darkness, rising up and experiencing light once again. No two experiences are the same, therefore there is no timeline or timeframe to heal and overcome.
At dinnertime, our family received a message regarding another family member. Someone was involved in a car accident and not doing well. By the grace of God and by some miracle, they are alive even though they had extensive injuries. This same person has other medical/health things going on in their life (which I don’t really know what they are, but sounded like they were already in rough shape).
Let me just say, if receiving news like this doesn’t snap you back into reality, I don’t know what will! My thinking, my thoughts, emotions, everything shifted instantly! The accident happened yesterday, and we heard about it today.
When I feel sadness, a sudden bout of depression (seasonal/situational), it sometimes makes me wonder if I am feeling the energy of someone or something else. Yesterday was my mom’s birthday (and my youngest daughter’s too). I had a great conversation with my mom on the phone, everything upbeat, enjoyable, no deep sadness felt. I also had a fun time celebrating my daughter’s special day (and by the way, we officially welcomed her into adulthood at the age of 18 now). Midday throughout later, I felt more sadness.
Maybe it’s a coincidence. Maybe it’s the cloudy weather and winter season. Maybe it’s my hormones. Is it possible the event can be linked to the emotion I’ve been experiencing? I really don’t know. What I do know is when the message was relayed to me, I snapped out of it. Was it a reality check? Or was that an affirmation of where my sadness was coming from even though I hadn’t known anything about the accident until this evening?
Believe me, I was trying to figure out any possible reason for feeling the way I was feeling, including a family member who is in hospice (not knowing what each day will bring), people who have died around this timeframe including family and friends, health of other family members, maybe just the uncertainty of many things.
Life is much too short to be living a life of pain. Holding onto words and actions that have adversely affected us is in no way, shape or form healthy for our all areas of our health (spiritually, mentally & physically). Whatever the reason or timing of deep sadness in relation to the accident, God is making His presence and His works known. He has called me, reminding me the importance of leaning into Him, trusting in Him, His timing, His purpose, and His plans. He knows how best to grow me, grow something beautiful in me.
A new season is before us, spring. I hope to take root from the seeds He has planted, strengthening them, holding steadfast and strong to produce a bountiful harvest-All glory and honor to Him!
Magnificent Meraki 